Don't mind us we're just spilling our guts

There's something about winter mornings. Something so easy and peaceful about them that just make me want to just sit and look out of the window, doing nothing but sit. I love winter weather, the snow gracefully falling, the way it covers everything like a blanket, the soft kiss of the cold weather on my cheeks, ears, nose, fingers, and toes. I like the blankets and hot chocolate that come with the territory as well. Anyway, I hope everyone had a pleasant Christmas, I know I did. I've also recently cleaned and redid bits of my room. I like change. Somehow it feels comforting. I don't have a poem today, I haven't been writing much recently, what with the whole winter break and all, but I will try to have something soon. Anyway, have a great holiday, and a happy new year.

Love,

Jacky.

"For all I thought I'd ever need, it's hard to face the holidays without...

Well I've left my last message on your machine.

It's hard to face the holidays, when you're looking for the words to say."

I've seen more spine in a jellyfish.

Ah, winter. I'm only one day away from winter break. Counting down the days until I'm finally free of school. I'm starting to finally think that it's time to start anew. Fresh. Back-track back and start all over. After all, maybe I'll like who I end up as this time.

Wake up and try out that new disguise.

You've never shown your face around this part of town,

and yet you're here all the time.

Watch out honey,

because here there be dragons.

A mapmaker's warning to keep wanderers within the lines

that they've so painstakingly drawn.

Don't go out there,

Because here there be dragons.

School is just another place in time,

a point that all must go through.

Let's see how long it takes

to spot who's the fake.

Not that long honey, just look in the mirror.

Hold your head high and be who you are,

they'll kill to see you fall.

Keep a watchful eye,

because here there be dragons.

Beware, beware,

all who dare enter here.

A dream isn't always as it seems.

One minute you're safe,

the next you're sorry.

But then again, it's just all in your head.

Well watch your step,

because here there be dragons.

Do you feel like you're missing out? Like everything good is happening somewhere else?

If you ever get a chance to, listen to Jesus by Brand New. Seriously. The lyrics and the overall sound of the song are like my ultimate relaxer. Just calms my mind down so that all of my thoughts don't start screaming in my head. Make everything line up in it's assigned order, making sense of my insanity. It's a haunting song. Beautiful, and yet to some, the lyrics are a little depressing.

I'm going to try something new today, just dabble into something new.

Teetering on the edge, glancing down as the end that was fading closer and closer yet into view. "Two feet on the ground, just stay still," I repeated. "I can't fall if I'm not moving. Nothing can go wrong." Stock-still, waiting, settling uncomfortably as the end of the road came closer and closer in my view. Magnified, the strips of light outlined my peripherals as I lurched closer and closer to where it all stopped, to where my feet would lose contact with solid ground. I glided closer and closer yet, my breath coming in anxious quick gasps. Almost there and I squeezed my eyes shut and suddenly, abruptly, I was in the air. The plane had officially taken off.

Do You Feel Alive?

There's nothing like a crisp cool autumn day to make you feel more alive. I've always thought of fall and spring as my favorite months. The transition months. I love the rain, the crunch of leaves, the sun shining, and the cool breezes. Last night I fell asleep under piles and piles of blankets, wrapped around me tight. It's a wonderful feeling.

Yesterday I found what may be my favorite part of the house. The roof. You see, there's this window that leads out of one of the bathrooms that lets out straight onto a flat part of the roof. And it's just big enough for me to fit through. Yesterday I sat out there, with my iPod in and watched the stars. It's really relaxing.

Well it's been a while. Sorry for the long break. Anyway, here's something to read.

I'm going away for a while,

Don't you worry about me.

I just need to find my place and time

where I am truest to what I see.

Give me a minute, an hour,

the time of day,

to prove to you

that this is the best way.

The road of life

is paved in many a different way

Though they may cross at times,

they are never the same.

we're meant to wander alone,

because that's when we learn how

to cherish those last few sunsets.

I'll be back in the fall

Don't worry about me.

I can't stray too far away,

our paths are intertwined, you'll see.

I'll bring back a story to tell,

You'll have moved on by then

and I'll tell you that I'm well.

But you won't mind too much.

There's a saltwater film

playing in the cinema today.

You can almost taste the sea,

amongst the film of dust

that covers the memories

of those last few sunsets.

And it feels like rain...

I'm bored. It's raining. And I've got a good hour or so of homework ahead of me. I wish that I could just turn on the inner student inside of me, and turn off the procrastinator that just keeps saying, "One more minute. One more minute. You've got all night." I've never been one to study, nor to actually start things ahead of time, but I am one who gets stuff done when it needs to be done. If only I could just focus for that one more minute. I find that I'm not really the type of person that can just focus at will on most things, unless they interest me to no end. However, homework is quite the opposite. Anyway, I should get going. I need to focus on what needs to be done, in hopes that I might catch some of those few and elusive hours of sleep that I've been recently lacking.

Overused and outta luck,

You gotta take what you can.

You're just another lucky schmuck,

If you're thinking what I am.

You need to hold yourself together long enough to watch it fall apart.

Untie me, I've said no vows.

School has started. Yet again I'm not sure that I feel entirely ready for it. I haven't been feeling much in the subject of inspiration lately. I'm also getting a pretty bad grade in math. Maybe I should be doing that instead right now.

Tattered and broken,

Clutching a ChuckE Cheese token.

I've never seen you look so naive.

Delicious

I really like these songs.

I'm going over to the dark side.

Click here.

It's almost as much fun.

Are you lonely, there without me?

What're friends for? Apparently a lot. I hear that phrase a lot. But it's true. Friends are for everything. And anything. They'll ask you if you're ok. They'll care. They'll wait until you want to tell them. They're still there for you if you aren't. They'll drop it if you don't want to share. They'll change the subject if you're uncomfortable. It's funny how I can find all of these qualities in someone that I've just recently befriended, and yet I can't find them in my so called "best friend." And yet she claims the title as if it were a birthright. Oh well.

[You make me happy whether you know it or not...] I'm at camp all week next week, but I thought that I'd just drop a note. I'm working on a new poem that I'll probably post up sometime in the near future. As for now I'm stuck with updating from my phone.

Hold Your Head High Heavy Heart

You’re just a car wreck waiting on the edge of the road

You’re just a falling climber looking for an edge to hold.

You’re just a shooting star streaking far into the unknown.

Just a falling star screaming its way into extinction.

I went to the DuPage County Fair yesterday in hopes to see my favorite band preform live. The Cab was also playing there, a very nice bonus (Oh and by the way, they are amazing live). However unfortunately, not even four songs into the set, the county fair officials had to stop the show due to severe weather. The Academy Is... was not able to finish their show. Oh well. I guess I can just go see them at the AP Tour this fall. My brother's buying me tickets because I'll be at camp when they go on sale. I wish he could be here for the concert, instead he'll be at college. It'd be cool to go with him.

If I could express it in a different dialect or in a delicate way

Last day of soccer practice for the summer. There's no bittersweet feeling of leaving behind a new experience. Probably because it isn't.

the glass sat awkwardly on the table

an unwelcome sight in this pristine house

it stood out like a crazy colored hairstyle

in an otherwise bland mixture of brunettes and blonds

and yet no one made any move to change that

it reflected the faces of the silent quartet

reflecting and distorting

some elongated others widened

however all the faces had eyes that stared

straight at the glass

at all of the shattered pieces

that it had left behind.

I think I'm going to go all e e cummings with my poetry. No caps, no punctuation. This way you can add the breaks and pauses where you think they fit best. Yes, this way everyone can view my poetry in a different way than the next. Giving an extra pause, or one less than that of the last person to read it.

Lies are lies in everybody's eyes.

I don't want to miss a beat

tapping my toes in this broken street

it's a new excitement

a brand new flavor

a new breath flooding my lungs

as we collapse in laughter

we're breaking the rules of this old town

running when they tell us to walk

running out on the world

while time's running out on us

if there's anything I've ever learned

it's that you have to give a lot

to get a little

so I'm giving everything I got

in exchange for a little bit of your time

don't give anything you can't promise

a skip to my step

a smile to my "pep"

I can tell already

that this time was made for us

there's a fine line between

sanity and the crazed

a line drawn in the sea

it's easy to be decieved.

Opening this old tattered notebook and drowing in old emotions.

Can I ask you a question? Well I guess I didn't give you much of an option, but what if I'm scared? The idea of life ahead, the image is so daunting. All these thoughts overwhelming me. What if I don't want you to go? What if I can't go it alone? Would you stay, or let me wither away? Here's my body. It's yours to keep. While my soul rests, my body "sleeps". Keep this frail heart beating, there's little hope for it all. You said you'd give me the world, I'm sorry I never gave you the chance. You were too busy getting if gift wrapped To notice me writing my goodbye.

I loved you.

Sitting back and really enjoying some good jazz. I've recently been getting into the music lately. It's pretty surprising how many opportunities they have to go out and hear it live in the chicago area.

Long Live the Car Crash Hearts

Yesterday I went into Chicago and had a fun time. Felt like sharing that.

Original Plan;

• Go to Shedd Aquarium
• Get sandwiches at this awesome Vietnamese place
• Go to Art Museum
• Go to my friend's bonfire party.

Actual Occurrence;

• Went to find parking at Shedd Aquarium to find that the police had blocked off all of the street parking. (What a bunch of bull-sh*t)
• Found out the wait to get into the Shedd was 2 1/2 hours. (Free day...)
• Got back in car and left.
• Went to Whole Foods and bought a chocolate croissant and pigged out on free samples.
• Wondered why Whole Foods needs to be so damned big and why they offer water in jugs for free instead of giving away tap water. Chicago has pretty much the best tap water.
• Went to Old Town and wandered the streets for an hour.
• Left Old Town and drove around around the Art Museum looking for parking.
• Found an empty spot, but had to pay $3.50 per hour.
• Left that spot and went to another, same thing.
• Found a spot that was free, but was only legal after 6 o'clock. It was 5:30.
• Spent half an hour in my car reading the Onion waiting for it to be 6 o'clock so I could legally be parked where I was parked.
• Went to the Art Museum. Place was crowded as hell. (again, Free day...)
• Got confused by the Modern Art, and inspired by the Impressionistic paintings.
• Got a chopped salad from Portillos at 10 o'clock and watched a re-run of the Cubs/Sox game.
• Was upset by the Sox's loss.
• Watched Grease and fell asleep shortly after.

Which in fact wasn't that bad of a night. Maybe during the school year I might take the train down and do some homework by the Buckingham fountain. It's really relaxing and yet you're in the middle of everything. That or go to the Art Museum.

I've always been drawn to art, I'm not sure what it is. I can look at the same paintings over and over and still not find them at all boring. I've spent hours pacing the halls of the museum, I no longer need a map to find my way around. And all of this is due to free days. I probably should get that membership thing I go there so often. Oh well.

Modern art is very confusing. The artists try so hard to make their pieces into statements. But this only leaves room for the viewer to interpret the piece the way the artist wanted it to be, otherwise it makes no sense. For example, there was a room with wallpaper that had pictures of people being hanged, bags of cat litter scattered here and there, and an empty wedding gown standing by itself. I mean, this is art? This just looks like a room with random things in it. But if you read the plaque on the wall, you found out what the artist was trying to say. But without that, the piece makes no sense. I like art that you can look at, and try to interpret the piece by yourself. Not just random items put together in a room and given a specific reason. I don't know, I guess I can relate better to paintings and sculptures that give you the freedom to try to see what the artist was saying, than pieces that need other pieces and a plaque for you to try to understand it.

"I used to long for time alone, I used to long a place of my own."

Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

School's almost over. There's only one day left. I'm pretty excited. I don't know, for some strange reason I'm in an almost depressing mood. I don't really know why. All I want to listen to is the saddest songs and sing along. Brand New is a very good band for these types of moods.

Goodbyes are never easy. I think that's the way they should be. Sickly sweet, and rarely remembered. Each one blurs into the next. It's like they're everything and yet nothing all at once. The words are so easy to say, and yet impossible to even whisper. Goodbye, and may you forever hold your peace the way you deserve it, in pieces.

I got a hundred different things runnin' through my head. It's hard to fall asleep when all your dreams are dead.

All alone, there's no one home.

She's broken now, just skin and bone.

Confusion is the underlying melody of this still beating heart.

Shaken and feint you've got the feeling you've followed.

Musings.

That's all these are. Just small musings. Little sussurances that appear in my head. Whispers of the voice in my head. The one that tells me right from wrong. The one that controls the movements of my hands, my heart. It tells my weak heart to keep beating, telling my lungs to continue to gasp for air. Can you hear a word I'm saying? 

You've got a hold of my heart strings. Pulling like a puppeteer at work. Stringing me along, throwing my heart into the ever-winding heavy machine gears of life. I cling onto our conversations, keeping them under lock and key. A part of you that will always be with me. These calmly shared conversations. These deep intellectual discussions. I'm letting you in. Disregarding the cautions thrown at me. Throwing cautions to the wind. Never to be heard. I'm light on my feet. I run easily. If problems arise, then I'm running, I'm sprinting. Your age old trust issues rearing their ugly head. Swallow your pride in this ugly pill. Don't believe a word you've heard. The truth alone will set you free.

It's almost comical how swiftly you move on. Can you spell REBOUND? I sure can. If only she could see everything I do. You say you like her better than the last, but you've said that everytime. Maybe you should just take a break from the relationship game. You're only as stable as you choose to show. You don't have to be always strong. You don't need this masquerade. I can see straight through your game. You just want to be loved. I understand. But, you're not much of a role model anymore, "brother".

Dear Words and Phrases,

It's glad to have you back. I've missed you.

Love,

Jacky's Mind.

I hope the air will serve to remind you, that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.

If you want a sure way into my heart. Give me Saltines. I don't know what it is about them. I guess maybe it's the fact that I only got them when I went to a certain friend's house when I was younger. They were like gold.

This is the springtime of my loving. The second season I am to know.

I like the fact that I can be me around you. I like the fact that you accept it. There's so much I want to tell you about me, I wish you could just glimpse into my mind one of these days. 

I can be sentimental. 

I can be romantic. 

I can be caring. 

I can be cute. 

I can be spontaneous. 

I can be random. 

I can be spunky. 

I can be silly. 

I can be loud. 

I can be goofy. 

I can be violent. 

I can be loyal. 

I can be fierce. 

I can be wild. 

I can be anything.

I can be nothing.

She will be loved...

You make me giddy with joy. You make my heart do backflips, somersaults, and kartwheels. You have such an effect on me, it's insane. The best part is, you're all mine. I don't know what it is, but I'm no good at love songs. I'm no good at putting down the words to describe my feelings. All my doubts, my insecurities, I'll never be able to show. I don't know what it is about it, but words seem to fail me in times of happiness. In times of doubt, and such, they are there, glaring me in the face. But in times of happiness, they shy away, hiding in the darkened corners of my mind. Maybe it's because I'm new to this feeling. Maybe it's because I've never experienced this before. I don't know. All I know is that you're pulling on the strings holding my heart in place. Be careful, I break easy.

Welcome Home.

I understand things better when I'm alone. I only ever know what I'm doing, when I'm doing absolutely nothing at all. I change my emotions like a celebrity changes their haircut. I'm never in the same place for too long. I bore easily. There's so much to me, and yet there's almost nothing to me at all. I wish I could be carefree. You know how all those stories start, telling of past innocence, naive childhoods. That was me. It was so much easier then, so easily me. Now I'm just a ghost of former glory walking amongst those who claim to know me. But I'm not alone. Take a look around, you can see all the people who feel more comfortable behind closed doors. Hidden in plain sight. People who are only themselves when no one's looking. Take a look around and you'll see so many people dying to be real. Even you're not exempt from this. It takes a lot af practice for a person to be themselves. This is reality. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Peace out now y'all...

Peace. It's a word in every teenager's vocabulary. Everyone knows the word. People even have a hand gesture for it now. It's like the key part of a picture. You could look in any given teenager's photos and you'll find at least one picture of them posing with peace. But it's become an overused word now. Do people ever really stop to think about what they're saying? Or do they just think it's cool? They probably think about hippie's and retro looks. In the time that peace first became popular, it was in statement about the war. Vietnam. They wanted peace. They wanted the war to end. But what do the teenagers now want? It seems they just want to be cool, to be anti-war. But they aren't that into it. They've used the word so much that the word has little meaning in popular context. Peace used to be a statement. A word that had meaning. Now it's just an overused word much the likes of "like", and "Oh My God." It's just a string of letters commonly used by people ages 10-20. What happened to the peace that meant something? The feeling of peace that overcomes someone? The peace that is talked about in religions? Those peaces still have meaning, still strong. I wish that was the peace that people still had today.

"Peace is not something you wish for; it's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away."

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

It's hard to lose someone. It's hard to lose someone that everyone around you loved, but you barely knew. Sure that might seem like an empty statement. You might think, "What the heck? Wouldn't it be harder if you were close to the person?" Yeah, it would be. I never said it was harder, but that it was almost just as hard. But to have to see the people around you go through it, the light in their eyes, formerly bright and shocking, now sickening and dull. It's vacant. It's empty, missing. To see the person you love cry, to see them hurt. It's like my heart's being ripped out. Right at the seems. Ripped out and stabbed. And then having someone come back and run it over with a car. Sure that sounds very morbid, but that's how I feel. A small sussurance of my former happiness is all that's left.

People take grief differently. Some try to move on, some just cry it out, some deny that it ever happened. Some just want everyone to feel sorry for them. You never know what kind of person they are, unless you've seen them at their lowest. At the worst they could be. Put someone in a horrible situation, and their true colors show. 

People don't live forever. You're bound to lose the people you're closest to. A tragedy is bound to happen. You'll have to bury some people you'd never want to say good bye to. Things don't always go in order. Some parents will bury their children. Some friends will bury their best friends. Pain strikes everywhere. But it's good to know that you're not alone. You're not the only one who has had to do that. You're not the only one going through pain. It's just hard when you are forced to realise just how mortal we really are. Just how fragile. No one is invincible. No one is immortal. We're all going to die at one point, there's no denying it. But it's just so shocking when an example of it all presents itself to you. Suddenly, unwanted, painful.

My great-grandma died the night before Easter. She was 100 years old. It was four days ago.

Ok so, I've figured out that I can send updates through texts. How fun is that? Yeah I know. So anyway, if I were to post via text, then it's because I'm hit by a sudden idea and are away from my computer, or just not able to reach my computer. Either way, you'll have to bear with me. My texting isn't too great and I use t9, so words are bound to get mixed around. Oh and as a parting note, today I met Superman.

I'll state something rash, she had the most amazing... smile.

Music is like the sweetest pill. Rain is my favorite weather. Contemplative, calming, humbling, dangerous, angry... I wish it would rain more. I've found that I'm stuck listening to the same songs over again. They're wonderful. I'm hooked. Oh Well, it's better to be hooked with a shiny new one, then an old rusty sharp and hurtful one. That's how music is to me. Good music is shiny and new. Even if it's older than my parents. Old rusty sharp and hurtful is like hip hop or rap. Music that doesn't even use a single instrument. A Capella is a completely different story though. I'm getting really tired, but I was extremely bored so I posted again. 

I went to The AP TOUR concert on Saturday. It was amazing. I met the members of The Maine, and A Rocket To The Moon. John Ohh almost stole my wallet, which I was having him sign. I got all of their signatures. It was amazing. I gave him my wallet to sign, and some crazy lady told him that he had to move, and he did. Considering that there was a huge group of teenies surrounding him, it was kinda hard to get back to him. He started waving it around saying, "Who's fucking wallet is this?" and then I got it back. I got a hug from each of them. It was really nice. I think that I had the most fun I've had in a while. I got two free posters from the merch guy for ARTTM because he liked my wallet, and because I made it myself. He was nice, we talked for a little and my friend freaked out because she thought that she lost me. Well anyway, it was oodles of fun, and I must be going.

Wouldn't it suck if could you only have two toes?

"I'm falling in love
But it's falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into... 
Into your arms."

You're as fake as the moans you make.

Tired. Exhausted really. I should probably be doing the heaps of homework that I have. Instead I'm fooling around on my computer. But that's just me. It's how I always am. I find I'm having trouble focusing lately. UGH. I'm so tired. Well, Happy Belated Easter everyone. I hope you found all of your eggs, otherwise you're in for a very smelly day. Wouldn't it suck if you could never eat any kind of junk food, or dessert?

It's not your fault so please stop your crying now

Some people just don't get things. I wish I could grab them, and shake them around. I wish I could scream and scream until they finally understand things. I wish people weren't so thick headed. I feel as if I'm vainly trying to get people to understand, and all they do is judge. It feels like they don't really try to understand what I'm saying, they just think I'm saying what they want to believe that I'm saying. I mean does it really matter? They'll just think what they want to. It's not like I'm ever going to be able to change that. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that I feel like I can't. I wish I didn't have to scream, I wish that they'd just get it. It feels like I'm trying to hard. I just feel overwhelmed.

What makes people so self centered? I mean some people say that it passes through families sometimes, but can't the people see what they're family's doing? Can't they see that they don't want to end up like it? Those people don't really have friends. 

You can talk about yourself all you want, 

but in the end of the day all you've done 

is talked about yourself. 

You haven't learned anything. 

I bet if there wasn't anyone around, 

you'd just be mad because there wasn't anyone there to brag to. 

It bugs me when all you do is talk about yourself. 

You say I don't give you a chance to talk 

when I've given you hours. 

You say I don't care about you, 

but you care so much about yourself 

to the point that it doesn't really matter. 

You don't really care what I care about, 

you just care if it affects you. 

You don't care if I'm in need, 

you just want yourself to be served. 

Don't you see a pattern? 

No one calls you anymore. 

You don't have any friends. 

No one needs you anymore. 

You just need them, 

so you don't have to talk to yourself. 

You're so focused on your achievement, 

that it doesn't matter what anyone else does. 

You just want people to notice you, 

and all your achievements. 

You're just going to stay this way. 

I'm going to grow up, move on, do my own thing. 

As much as it bugs you, it's true. 

And you, you're just going to stay here. 

Alone, because people will become tired of the one way love. 

You're just going to stay forever young in the worst way possible. 

You're like the eager child screaming "Look at me! Look at me!", and you're already an adult.

It's a pity how much I've realized

that I'll keep on changing, while you'll always be the same.

"You're so vain. I'll bet you think this song is about you don't you don't you?

A day late, a dollar short.

I've never felt so much more at ease with myself. Just me and this lovely laptop. Running short on time, I'm meeting up with some friends in 14 minutes. I'm starting to think that I've become accepting of how I look, it's not like it'll up and change anytime soon. 

I think I'm more of a Tom boy than you might think. I don't wear too much make-up and jewelery. I don't really wear skirts or dresses. I'm not much for V-necks and preppy clothes. I'm a tee-shirt and jeans kinda gal. I don't really fuss much with my hair. I own less hair stuff than a male friend of mine. I don't like manicures and pedicures. I've never gotten my hair done. I'd rather be outside. I can talk to guys, without really changing how I act. I love sports. I think I'm more like my mom than you'd think.

Well I've got to get going. 10 minutes to leave and counting. I've got more for you later.

"Ride my bike across the street, ... I wanna come home all covered in mud, I'm a boy, I'm a boy..."

You utter so much as one syllable, I'll hunt you down and gut you like a fish

I have to say, I love The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, even if it is sometimes just for the quotes. I'm known amongst my friends for quoting random movies. The only upsetting thing is that sometimes my friends don't understand the movie reference, and I'm just left hanging. Which leads to me laughing by myself, at what would've otherwise had been very funny. 

I'm sneaking on to the computer right now, under the guise of doing some social studies homework, which I actually do have to do. So don't think of this as a hint that I'm on for good again.

I dissected a rat today in biology class. It wasn't so bad. Actually I might venture so far as to say it was fun. Except for the whole dissecting the reproductive organs. Ugh.. I shudder just thinking about it. It was a male rat. shudder... But I'm OK now.

In social studies we're watching Elizabeth, the golden age. I suggest you don't see it unless you are prepared for a small sex scene and queen nudity. I'd personally find the movie OK, if the two aforementioned scenes weren't there.

I'm feeling a little better than before. Sorry it ended so abruptly. I was forced to cut it short, and log off. But, as a plus, I'm feeling OK right now.

"You can breathe, you can breathe now... You can breathe but the air is running out."

I'm finding comfort in the songs

that sing in my ear everyday.

The lyrics that soothe the pain

and ease the sorrow.

The sweet melodies

that remind me that I'm not the only one. 

These aren't just slow songs,

or love songs

But these are real songs

Full of life

and energy

Chock full of good excuses

to just plug in

and wipe away

all thoughts of anything else.

I fought a war to walk a gang plank into a life I left behind.

There's something so humbling to me about lightning. I've always loved it. I can never really understand how someone can fear something so beautiful. It's an interesting type of beauty. A harsh, wild, fierce, dramatic beauty. It's something amazing to watch something so powerful, and yet so graceful at the same time. Gentle and fierce. Rain is the perfect addition to it. Another perfect piece to an already perfect puzzle.

My first soccer game is tomorrow. We're playing shorter than usual on account that three girls on my team were caught at a party that had alcohol. Which is OK I guess. Maybe we can pull through as a team. I'm very excited for it. However, tomorrow is also the day of my orchestra festival. I'm not looking forward to that. I do like playing the violin, and I do admit that I have gotten better, but I just can't stand my conductor. I don't like the fact that he seems to find some kind of joy in calling people out on their faults. I am not one that will stand by while someone treats people like that, but I have no choice. I, myself, have to respect my teachers and superiors. It's how I was brought up. 

"he isn't up in heaven so I'll treat him like he's dead."

There's something that I find so attractive in the piano. It's always been my instrument of choice. I'm not quite sure why, but I've always found some sort of unseen attraction to the instrument. It holds a special place in my heart. I've been playing since before I could read. But of course that was only Mary had a little lamb and it was because my brother had taught it to me. I've been hooked ever since. I've also always loved an acoustic guitar. I mean, electric guitars are OK, but I adore acoustic guitars. Maybe it's the sound, a stripped down, more real sound to it. More earthy. I've always wanted to take up the guitar, and maybe I will. I've learned how to piece together a song here and there, but never really bothered to really try to learn it. I really want to though.

I'm thinking that I'll try to end my posts now in either a song lyric, or a poem. Either or, depending on what I feel at the moment. You do know, creativity doesn't turn on like a faucet, so the days that I'm lacking a little, I'll just post up a small lyric. I'm going to try my hardest to post almost everyday. But I wouldn't rely on it. Sometimes I forget, and other times, I'm just plain grounded.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it's the product of growing up, I mean most adults I know are pretty accepting of how they look. I'm starting to think that maybe I am as pretty as some claim me to be. A couple of my friends, and a couple of adults claim that I resemble Lucy Liu. I think I'm just pretty in my own way.

I think many things. For example; I think I'm depressed. Over stressed. And my parents are killing me slowly.

"Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly..."

Well, until next time, I bid you adieu. Oh and, it will be two to three weeks until you next hear from me, I'm grounded. And I lost my phone to my mom for forever.

Can't someone please stop this song, So I won't sing along?

My library card won't let me request anything/check out anything. I have too many fines. Oh well, I'll have to fix that soon. What do you do when you like someone, and they like you back, but they don't know that you like them? What if they think you like someone else? What do you do then? I guess I'll have to find out on my own. 

I'm a regular to this place.

Sitting by a phone,

dreaming of his face

All alone,

wishing he would call.

But maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe shy smiles and awkward glances

are all we'll ever amount to be.

It's just a big misunderstanding.

I wish you would talk to me.

Send me a line

Throw me a rope

I'm sitting here waiting

For a simple sign telling me

That you're listening,

That you know what I'm saying.

I feel like I'm on my own

screaming into the wind

Hoarse whispers whisked away

You'll never know

What it is that I have to say.

I wish someone would please stop this same old song

and keep me from blindly dancing along

It's just going to end the same way

A broken heart with so much left to say.

Recently I've been out-dating myself, amongst my peers.

Funny how similar these are, isn't it? It's nice to see that even bands like to copy each other, makes them more human. It feels like lately I've been kind of reverting back to older styles. I've been listening to Lynard Skynyrd and Led Zeppelin. It's interesting how basically a majority of the Led Zeppelin songs are love songs. Plain and simple. I've been reverting back to the 'retro' style. The old fashioned bikes, the black and white movies, the classics. I'm wearing a pair of straight legged dark blue jeans folded up, a skinny black leather belt, and a white tank top (tucked in). I'm watching old movies, like Beetlejuice. I'm not using my laptop quite as much for no reason whatsoever. It's normally now just for my iTunes. I've been using CD's more than ever, and actual video tapes. Maybe I'll make a mixtape soon. A real one, cassette and all. Black and white photos are decorating my room, thanks to my fantasic brother. He's really talented. I feel a little dangerous right now, I recently 'relocated' a street sign. From outside to inside. It's the street sign to the street I live on, from the corner I live at. Don't be worried non-rule-breakers, it was bent and scratched to where it would've just been thrown out otherwise. It was also on the sidewalk. 

"This is easy is as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating. 

This is wonderful, as loving goes." 

If I could open my arms to span the length of the isle of Manhattan

Soccer's getting to be pretty tough. But that's ok I guess. I've always liked to play soccer, it felt like I had something to remind me that I'm here, an adrenaline rush like no one ever knew. I've been reading the lyrics to some of the songs that I listen to everyday, and I haven't realized until now that I tend to gravitate towards songs with amazing lyrics. Like the type of lyrics that just the phrase itself stays in your head all day. I think Fall Out Boy is a great example in the phrase, "The best part of believe is the lie..." Funny thing is, I recently found out that that part of the song was sung by William Beckett of the Academy Is... it's kinda funny, I was a fan of his, before I even knew it. I would fall asleep to that part of the song on repeat, played over and over through my speakers. But in listening to these lyrics, I've found a new sort of inspiration, and more poems have been flooding my head all day. So here's one that I wrote just today:

Play the tape back

Because it's not quite as it seems

Look closer,

The hero bleeds in this scene

The braveheart, he flees everything

The rich boy loses absolutely anything.

Reality's just out of reach

In this sunset by the beach.

Take out those special effect

Don't give what they'd expect.

This is way too cliche

I already know what she's gonna say.

Stop the tape

I've had enough,

Please say "cut".

You want reality?

Then lose the camera

Viewing life through a set of lens

Tends to fade out the reality.

Focus in on the fake

Because that's all they want to see.

Fade to black

Don't look back

Play the soundtrack

Roll the credits

Stop while you're ahead.

And I almost had you, I wish you would've loved me too.

“and in the end it’s not the years in your life that count. it’s the life in your years.”
-abraham lincoln

Very tired, but it's been a while since I've last updated. I feel so hypocritical, I don't like it when people just don't update for long periods of time, and here I am doing the same. Soccer's started up again, and I am one of six freshman on the sophomore team. I'm pretty happy about that achievement... but don't want to brag. So I'm keeping this short. Hello, I'm not dead. but I am tired, so goodnight.

Roll with the punches 'cause you know that it's inevitable. Soon to be unforgettable.

You've got to love any band that would do that. What a way to send a message. I'm going to sleep now. Good night.

They don't love you like I love you...

I'm so tired. I have school tomorrow. There's something about three day weekends that are so relaxing. There really isn't much for me to say today. Well, except for the fact that I felt like updating today. and here's a cookie for all of you who are lovely and actually read this. It's nice to have a place to cut and paste some thoughts on.

Oh my petite loli.

Hey hey, it's me. Post Valentine's day relaxation kicking in. Yesterday I got a snowboard, boots, and two bindings for about $90. Which is amazing. Because another board I was looking at, was about $150 and that doesn't include the boots or bindings. I also got a pair of skis and boots. Those were more expensive. But I'm glad I got them. I'm going to Steamboat Colorado for a ski trip with my family sometime this month. I'm super stoked. I'm hugging the little stuffed Valentine dog that my dad gave me. Along with a box of really yummy candies. It was cute. He put them next to me on my bed so I saw them right when I woke up. I'm actually wearing capris today, it's that warm. It's making me happy. All of the snow finally melted. Then it snowed again, so there's a small dusting of snow here and there. It's very bittersweet. I'm wishing for some rain, I'm just in that type of mood. I was listening to the Fall Out Boy CD last night, playing a lyric game with a friend. I like the new Fall Out Boy CD a lot, but I think that I liked their older presence better. No excessive make-up, no over hype, just plain them, playing, enjoying themselves. I think I like that better than if any band were to go on a stage and light off fireworks or something. It seems more intimate if they go out there as themselves and play for you. Not covering their face in make-up or having back up dancers or anything. Well, on the topic of music, I found this french band call Nous Non Plus. I liked a couple of their songs. Here's a video:



Click on the link for another. Oh and I know it's a day late, but I love you. Happy Valentines Day.

They don't love you like I love you.

There's something about it being 1:00am and me feeling sentimental. I've just been thinking. And thinking. I've come across a thought. What if there really is a soul mate out there for us? What if there is one person out there that is perfect for us? What if there is someone out there that can fill this empty void I call a heart? Maybe we just have to look hard enough. Maybe there really is someone out there made for each of us. But I guess the question is, are you willing to try? to look for that certain person? I am, but I don't know if I can wait my whole life. I feel so empty. So alone. Like there is a permanent empty space inside of me. Almost like something died, and everything else is fighting a battle to stay alive. It feels like I am a cell that is missing a vital organelle. Something's missing, or not quite there. I feel numb a lot. Sitting by myself, listening to the rain is like the best medicine for me. Music is becoming my life now. I'm growing more and more dependent on it as I go. It's gotten to the point that I get major migraines if I go for too long without it. It takes away my emptiness. It's like a drug. And I'm sure as hell addicted. Well that ended up being a bit more depressing than I had hoped. Just a random thought. Next poem I write, I want to say Lyrical Lies.

Legthargic Awareness.

You've never been as real,
As how fake you're acting now.
Never come quite as close to stripping off your mask
in your attempt to make the mask thicker.
It's the way your lips move.
It's the way my hips move.
It's something that you think you need
As needed as that "one last" drink
We both know you're kidding yourself.
You've never as been fake.
We're both stuck on the ride,
Like all bad decisions
This one seemed gold at the time.
If this life were a ride,
It'd be called the journey through hell.
Or maybe something more creative
With you it's not worth the effort.
The message hidden at the bottom of this bottle,
I'm gonna get there eventually.
I've already gotten myself neck deep,
Why not just finish it off?
Take away what's left of this
Mission to save the world
And back track back to the beginning.
There's a consequence to everything.
If I could take it all back,
Back track back to the beginning,
Would I take it all back?
Probably not.
But that's the beauty of things.
You never know what's gonna happen next.

Please allow me to introduce myself, I a man of wealth and taste.

I just realized that it would've been cool if I used that lyric for my first post. Oh well, it seems a bit late for that. I love that song. Well, school's been pretty tough on me the past couple days. I've been falling asleep later and later everyday. It seems like I could sleep for a day and still not make up for all the lost sleep. I was going to go to see Coraline tonight. But it turned out that I hadn't had dinner yet, I still haven't, and I was unsure if I could go. I guess I could've. I really want to see it. That and the Pink Panther. It might be just me, but I love Tim Burton's movies. So I spent the day relaxing to music, laying down on my bed in the dark, with a quiet house. I'm going out for dinner at Jimmy Buffet's when my brother gets back from his track meet. One of the kids in his relay team fell in the middle of the race, got up and started WALKING. Not running, but walking. I'm still pretty shocked. Last time someone dropped the baton in my brother's team. He's just not having good luck in the track relay team department. But he's a great guy, so that seems to balance it out. It seems ridiculous that they keep him there until around 9:00 even if it is a week-end. I had to wait for him this week for dinner until 9:30. I ended up having a package of Ramen for dinner at 10:00. I love Ramen. I could seriously live off of it for a while if I had to. I'm wondering if I should start tagging these posts, maybe then someone would start reading my blog. Oh well, it's kind of cool to have this to spill my thoughts out on when my journal doesn't quite suffice. When my thoughts have spilled off over the page, and onto my laptop. Maybe it's just because I'm pretty much addicted to my laptop now, or maybe because I like the tapping noise that my fingers make when I strike key after key and the satisfaction in seeing those thoughts form out in front of me on a screen. It's a strange, cheap thrill, almost like ice cream. But not quite as good. I noticed that my last post was rather, well depressing, but that's how it felt at the moment, what I needed to type in. Right now I'm forming the ultimate "radio station" on pandora.com. It's fun, so far I haven't heard anything that I don't really like. Which is good. What I would do for a good cup of coffee right now. Although I'd have to over sugar it as always. That and add so much cream that the coffee is a charming honey brown color. And so much sugar the spoon could stand on it's own. Coffee or tea. Either sound good. I've found another person on my people to meet list. Barack Obama. I almost got the chance once. He came to my high school a couple years back, but I wasn't yet old enough to go. Apparently one of the students there asked Mr. Obama if he was going to run for president in the future, and he said no. Well, look at how plans change. hmm... I never knew that I liked the Veronica's. Oh well. It seems like this post is starting to turn into a full on ramble session, so I'm sorry if I'm starting to either bore you or just plain annoy you. But I can assure you that there is no real reason to this post. So if you don't like it, you don't really have to be reading this. But for those of you who did read this, I'll give you a little treat. A poem. It feels like forever since I've typed one up here.

I'm done with those fairy tale romances.
Where the prince always comes in the end.
I'm tired of those vampire fantasies,
Where the danger isn't what it seems.
I'm sick of make believe.
I want to turn around my world.
Make it more real.
Shake out the nonsense,
And just believe in what I feel.
This is my wake up call,
I'm sending out to everyone.
I don't want to have to fight my way
through this fog of fake,
in order to grasp something real.
I'm fed up with the people
Who fake their way through life.
No real emotions
Not really being themselves.
I want to shake awake
the people who think they need to wear a mask.
I want to scream them awake
Because it's lonely
Being the only conscious person,
In a sea of those who are sleeping.

I'm running my mouth just like I've got you, but I surely don't.

We've all had those days right? Those days that you really want to fall asleep but find that you can't? When you lie in bed thinking, just thinking. Wondering about what we don't know, and maybe never will? Is there a reason to these unsatisfiable needs for an answer? It's the thing that drives us to do what we do. Maybe in hopes to understand the answer to those seldom asked, or answered questions. What if this aching thirst is never quenched? What if there really isn't more to life than this? What if this is the only chance we've got? When I was young I used to try to imagine what it would be like to be dead. To not see, feel, hear, touch, taste ever again. I used to lie down, and try to cut off my different senses, to see what it was like. People believe that there is more to life than this. But what if there isn't? What if when we take our last breath, so does our souls? What if we just die, plain and simple? Some people can't accept that. Others do. I don't know what to think. Sure I believe in god, but it all seems too good to be true. I mean do we have any proof? Or is it just a fabricated dream blanketing everyone who's within its grasp? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Just wondering what there is after our lives have been lived.

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head.

HOLY SHIT. (excuse my "French") BLINK-182 is reuniting. I seriously thought hell would freeze over first from the way that the band members acted towards each other that one Warped tour day... don't you remember that? Oh man. If you don't one band was scheduled to play right next to and after the other, and before the 1st band ended (I can't remember if it was Angels and Airwaves or +44) people started heading over to the over band's stage. Well one thing lead to another and someone threw a hissy fit. Then one band wouldn't play in Warped if the other was supposed to be there. In short, I thought that they hated each other. But I guess I was wrong. I thought that they were as broken up as the Beatles were. Yet another great band that broke up. So sad. But I digress. (ooh... my new favorite word) Anyway, I'm excited for whatever they're gonna do next. Still GREAT NEWS. I am very stoked. I fell out of my bed when I read it. Yummy news. But I wonder... what happens to Angels and Airwaves, and +44? I guess there's no need for them anymore.

I am, I am, I am superman and I know what's happening. I am, I am, I am superman and I can do anything.

I'm in a superhero mood today. Listening to the Superman cover done by The Academy Is..., and I'm watching Superman Returns. It's so far a good movie. I also watched Spiderman. I have to admit, most superheroes are played by very attractive people. Brandon Routh, Christian Bale, etc. But however, I must say, I did not like Tobey Maguire in spiderman. I don't like his acting skills. But on a happier note, the movies are great.

Song Recommendation.

Alright, so I am a pretty weird person when it comes to music, but I've found that I'm actually good at finding good unknown bands, which I guess is the "cool" thing for teens. That and older bands. Which I am guilty of both. But anyway, back on topic, I was doing my daily wander through the world wide web, and stumbled across The Rocket Summer. They are a very good band. And I've formed that judgment from listening to them for the first time just now. So if you are looking for a detailed story about the band, I'm sorry to disappoint. If you really wanted, I guess I could surf around and find something about them, but what I could say is just as good as what you could find. But yet I digress... what I really wanted to say is that you should check out the song Do You Feel by The Rocket Summer. If you watch the video, you'll find some pretty tasty things. For example, a couple of people you might know are in it. Such as Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low, and Matt T. from Relient K. I really liked the way the video was put together, how they wrote striking lyrics of the song in bold sharpie on people's hands, and little "stories". I also liked the effect of how the camera blurs in and out, so you never get the whole picture. Anyway, it was very well done. Check it out. Click here to see it.

Pick your favorite Beatles lyric, and instert it here. (Yes I am being very lazy.)

OH, and by the way, is it just me or does it sound like Sean Kingston stole basically his whole song "Me Love" from the Led Zeppelin song D'yre Mak're? If you listen to the two, they're basically identical. and if you don't hear it, you're deaf. To put it nicely. By the way, cookies and cream ice cream goes really well with that chocolate stuff that freezes when you pour it on ice cream. I've been looking for a new layout for my blog. Preferably one that looks like a book. Because that would look REALLY cool. maybe I'm just lazy, or picky either one, but I haven't found one yet. Ugh. I've been listening to older music lately. The Beatles, The Who, Led Zepplin, Smashing Pumpkins, The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, John Mellencamp, Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Nirvana, Eric Clapton, the list goes on. But also some newer stuff including what I've been listening to recently, and Belle and Sebastian, Relient K, Yellow Card, Dashboard Confessional, A Rocket To The Moon, Automatic Loveletter, NeverShoutNever!, and a lot more as well. But that's just the stuff I've recently gotten into, the rest still stays the same. I'm not quite sure where Blink 182, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Modest Mouse, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers lie, but I've been listening to them too. I guess they're more in the older catagory. But where is the line between old and new? I honestly have to clue. When does a person get old? How long can they cling onto the title of young? So many things to ponder, so little time. I'm going to retire for the night, but I'll probably stay up for a while, listening to "Elevator Music" which in my opinion isn't that bad, and pondering the questions of life, important or not. So I bid thee goodnight sweet child. Until I see thee again, god bless. (wow I felt like talking in older type english there.) Well anyway, Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Pick your favorite Led Zeppelin lyric, and insert it here. (I'm feeling lazy tonight)

Rumored Nights
Uploaded by soiletyougo

This was done very nicely. Just thought I'd put it out there.

Did you trade, your heroes for ghosts?

Oh man, it feels like forever since I've been on here last. and for that I'm really sorry. Well, I hate to say that I have to go, but this post is only to let you know that I am alive, and I should hopefully be posting more poems soon. So keep your eyes open, and they'll be coming your way soon.

Near death last breath and barely hanging on...

Studying like mad for my finals tomorrow. *cough cough* but really, i'm a bit freaked out about my french final. just a little. I mean i'm not really great in the foreign language area, but i try my best. oh well, i gave it my best shot. studying and then sleep, so sorry i'm not really posting much of anything tonight. just random mindless mumblings until i fall asleep. goodnight and sweet dreams.

I pledge allegance to the flag....

Barack Obama is now the President Of The United States Of America. And I couldn't be happier. He's filling me with newfound hope that maybe, just maybe, things will start looking better. His speech, left me giddy with hope. I can't wait to see what he will do. He is already in history, but I hope he goes down in History for something more than just his race. I just can't wait.

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs

I know it's not saturday, but i found this store called, Saturday Audio Exchange. And it gave me an idea. So this "Saturday" even though it's Sunday, I'm gonna do a Saturday Audio Exchange. and this said Audio is Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional. And the new unheard of band I suggest you to listen to is, My Favorite Highway.

And I swear that you don't have to go...

So I really do want to go to sleep tonight. But have to wait for my iTunes to stop messing with me so I can turn off my laptop and actually get some sleep. As exciting as stayiing awake sounds, I think I'll pass. I have another final tomorrow and I really need the sleep. So, I decided to grace you all with some more poems. And mind you, this still isn't all of my notebook, since I'm giving then to you in moderation and it seems like I'm writing new ones everyday. Sorry to say, but these don't have titles.




if you had to choose
Between life and death,
You’d choose life right?
But what if you choices were hidden
Behind a veil of mistakes
A smoke screen of choices
A cloud of taking the easy way out?

Would you make it easy,
Or would you survive
Would you trade in your heroes
In order to become one yourself?

You’re enough of a fool
To almost believe
The lies they tell
Of the life they promise
With no more hurt
No more pain
No more sorrow
But what about
What will come tomorrow?

Would you make it easy
Or would you survive
Would you trade in your heroes
In order to become one yourself

Would you be a hero,
Or would you settle for less?





The snow is so beautiful
Blanketing the world
In a vas sea of white
Sparkling and showing off
With a slight tint of blue
It’s breathtaking
But I can’t enjoy this.
Because of you.

It’s your face that
Stands before me
Telling me that
You’ve had enough
Of waiting

You’re sick of calling
Well I’m sick
Of writing
These words for you.
So this is it
This is where we stop.

Saying goodbye isn’t as easy as it seems
When you’re saying goodbye
To the contents of your dreams

You start to falter
To lose confidence
Looking at me for confirmation
That what you’re doing isn’t going to break me
But I can’t promise you anything
And I still haven’t yet said a word
But let the tears glisten on my cheek.

It feels like I’m looking from above
I can see my scarf flutter in the wind
Like butterfly wings in flight
I can see the snow falling
And mixing in with your hair
White on dark
Standing out, shocking.
But I can’t enjoy this
Because of you.

It’s your face that
Stands before me
As we exchange our goodbyes

I see you with her now
You no longer glance my way
You still have the shirt I bought you
When we were still us.
You’ve already moved on,
And I’m still just saying goodbye.




Sometimes it feels as if,
I’m talking to a puddle.
Your thoughts and feelings so shallow
And as if mine are as deep
As those ball tanks
That young children play in
So deep that they can almost swim.

Sometimes it feels as if,
Words are everything to me.
That they’re all I have
And other times,
They’re like smoke
Slipping and swirling
Through my eager fingers

Sometimes it feels as if,
I set my expectations too high.
Like a bird trying to fly before its time.
I’m reaching out
And trying to grasp something
That’s just out of my reach
And other times,
It’s as if I set them too low,
Going for what’s easier
And keeping my feet placed firmly on the ground
Not moving forward,
But in a way, moving back.

Sometimes it feels as if,
I’m dancing on the tips of life.
Somersaulting, and flipping on the edges
Jumping around the feathered ends
Of a painter’s brush
Like a color waiting to be used.

Sometimes it feels as if,
I’m skirting the outskirts of life
Begging to be let in.
I’ve already experienced so much but,

Sometimes it feels as if,
I’m the ink covering the ball of a ballpoint pen
Waiting patiently
For my turn
To show the world
Exactly what it is
That I can do.




This story tale like of mine,
Has an ending so anti-climatic.
It’s almost as if
It’s all built up to this
A sudden drop off.
A cliff appearing out of nowhere.
A jump off from reality.
I find myself
Just another casualty
Tossed to the side,
By this life that I’ve been living
I’m standing on the outside
Of this store-front window.
A window that separates me
From the obvious brightness inside.
My reflection is placed next to
The flickers of neon
The signs sprinkled down the street
Slogans for happier people
Anthems for the overjoyed
Advertisements for the weak.
Headlights are framing my still form,
And causing it to stand out
From the snow whipping around me.
Physics states,
That we’re only as strong,
As our weakest point.
And right now,
My weakest point is breaking.
Caving in under the pressure,
Of taking another breath
Just using the energy needed
To stay alive.


I’m just another tool to be used.
Another person for the government of America,
to wring money out from.
Another perfect example
Of teen-aged angst.
These words that I write,
Sound better in my head
Then the actual phrasing and lettering
Copied down by my stumbling fingers.
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t speak,
Or at least coherently
So I’d have a better excuse
When you leave me speechless.
My sometimes nimble tongue
Trips over itself
In its eagerness to push out words
To get my point across
And somewhere in between
My brain and my tongue,
My words get twisted,
And lose their actual meaning.
It feels like I’m only me
When no one’s looking.
Pouring out my true thoughts
On flimsy pieces of paper.
To always wear a mask,
Isn’t all it’s made out to be.
Sometimes I wish
I could untie this mask,
Unravel my tongue,
Slow my racing thoughts,
And just be me.
But then again,
It just feels as if,
I’m fighting a fist-fight
Without fists
In a war
Without a cause.




Has anything that someone said,
Ever struck a chord in you?
Has it ever made you feel
As if someone finally understands
Of that they accurately expressed
The way that you feel
So precise it’s scary?
I wish I could do that.
Say something that sticks
A phrase,
A sentence,
A couple words,
That haunts you
Stays in your head
Something you could hold on to
When everything else seems blurry.
An anchor,
A safety belt,
A light in the darkness,
Something that makes you feel less alone.
Maybe that’s why I write there poems.
Hoping that someone will finally understand
Or just try hard enough
To see through
All of the shit I put up
In order to feel,
Safe
Accepted
Wanted
Loved.
Because it feels
Like I’m never truly me
Like I’m never really real,
Unless I’m hidden.

head for the hills the kitchen's on fire

That's it, I'm caving to my inner beastie, and I'm gonna type up all of the poems in my journal. Finished or not. That is a present for my birthday, except it's for you. Yes, this is it. and it's gonna be epic. Here is a glimpse however small, into my mind.

Kiss Me Goodbye

You think I would stay
When you just tear me down?
You push me and shove me
And watch as I fall
Deeper and deeper
Into this corner
That I've backed myself into
Unseeing, unfeeling
Unknowing, but thinking
You're leading me blindly
Off of this cliff
That I've made for myself
I can see the ending
That's been fabricated for me
I'd fall down fast
Deep into the abyss
Unable to turn back.
This isn't what I wanted
This isn't what I dreamed
But I can't see a way out
All there is, is what you've given me.

In my head I see a light
A glimpse flashing in this blindness
I've got to follow my instincts
And leave this mess behind.

So here I go
I won't look back
Don't bother,
I'm not yours anymore.

So kiss me goodbye
I'm gonna leave this all behind
I don't know if I'll make it out alive
But I've got to try
Before this hope disappears
And shows me again
The malice in your eyes



Tonight

Tonight I'm not going to hold back
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna cry
I'm gonna let it show
Everything I've been holding inside

I'm gonna let it all out,
I'm gonna scream and shout,
This is my time
This is my time.

I'm gonna break free of these chains
The ones that have been holding me tight
I'm sick of drowning in my nightmares
I'm surfacing now
I'm gonna bask in this moonlight
While it lasts

I'm gonna let it all out,
I'm gonna scream and shout,
This is my time
This is my time.

I'm not gonna sit still
The time is passing
I only have one hundred years
To reach my dreams
I'm not gonna take for granted
The time that others don't have
This is a chance that I'm not gonna miss.

I'm gonna let it all out,
I'm gonna scream and shout,
This is my time
This is my time.

So say farewell,
Wish me good luck,
Kiss me goodbye,
Adios, Sayonara,
Arrivederci babe.
I'm leaving this place
That's holding me back
And I'm not looking over my shoulder
At all of the things I'm leaving behind.

I'm gonna let it all out,
I'm gonna scream and shout,
This is my time
This is my time.


A Lady of Sorrow

She gazes slowly
As the street lamps flicker.
Hiding 'neath a veil
Of her raven feathered hair.
The shimmering emeralds
Of her eyes,
Give her emotions away.
But only here in this seclusion,
Does she truly show
How she really feels.
In the depths of her eyes
You can see her sorrow.
Her once pristine black satin dress
Is now ripped to shreds,
As memories of past happiness
Whisper like ghosts through her head.
A single tear
Of sparkling emeralds
Falls to the ground.
Her reason to be
Exists no more.
For he has died
And left her alone.
As the tear descends
She whispers a prayer,
"My dear old friend,
Can you hear me?
This life is unjust,
And this love is unkind,
But i could've managed it all
If you hadn't left me behind."
In this seclusion she stays
For she herself knows,
That she has the fear
To finally show
What she feels inside.
So she'll always be here,
In her own personal hell.
Unfeeling,
Unknowing,
For she has lost the internal war,
Between what we feel,
And what we hide from the world.

Anger

Anger swirling
mind racing
hateful thoughts
hoarse voices
he screams
he hurts
the pain he physically inflicts feels like nothing
in comparison to the salt that he puts on it
with his stinging words.
He stalks away
leaving me in tears
and blames it on me
as he has done for years.
The next day
it's all the same.
In this crazy cycle
of inhumane pain.


Noticed

He was everything I thought I wanted
Everything I thought I needed
But he let me go
Dropped me
Watched as I fell
And turned his head
When I hit rock bottom
And left me alone

But I wasn't really alone
You were there
You came to pick of the pieces
Of my shattered heart
You put me back together
And I clung to you
Like a flame to a candle

I told you "I love you"
But you thought you were just my rebound
I promised you you weren't
And you finally believed
He was my addiction
But you were my savior
Under your loving care
I never relapsed
In this half-way rehab

You're gentle fingers
Grazing over my arms
Giving me goosebumps
Spreading sparks
That reached into me
And circled around my heart

Your loving eyes
Deep as a valley
I could fall into
And never want to leave
Just one glance
And my heart explodes

I feel this way around you
So full of emotions
Filled to the brim
Overflowing with happiness
Blocking out the pain
But you are like an eclipse
True beauty
That can never stay
So I enjoy the feelings
When I'm with you

But still I can feel
The spiderweb cracks
Reminding me of weakness
That I try so hard to hide

I'm sitting all alone now
By myself I can't hide my feelings
By myself I show how I truly feel
My doubts and fears surround me
They suffocate me
And chain me down
I'm dying here
And still no one notices
Maybe it's better this way anyway
Happy by day
And nothing at night


Caged

It's been building
Brick after figurative brick
Forming this wall
That's enclosing on me
Encaged like an exotic bird
All I want is to be free
But I'm shoved into a corner
Unwanted, Forgotten
Chained down
These chains are encircling me
Holding around my waist
No matter how hard I try
I remain chained to this wall
Like a prisoner
It's holding me back
I need to break free
I need to get loose
I need to escape
But I can't.
I scream for help
But my pleas
Fall on deaf ears.
I won't escape
I'm stuck here
Imprisoned
Enchained
Caged
In the darkness of my mind.


Happiness

the sunlight filters through your shades
and you wake with your dreams still on your mind
as you're slowly waking
you witness
the dust dancing in the bright
the world yawning
and releasing the sounds of morning
the sun stretching its arms
and encircling the world
you're gazing absentmindedly through a window
while still smothering yourself in the warmth of your covers
suddenly yet reluctantly you swing your legs out of the warmth
and scramble out to the carpeted halls
you amble your way into the kitchen
and yawning,
you turn the coffee-pot on
leaning against a counter
rubbing your cold arms,
you slowly wake up.
lazily pouring a cup of coffee
before the whole pot is even done,
you enjoy it so sweet,
a spoon can stand on its own.
with enough milk
to turn it a delicious hazelnut brown
while warming your fingers
by gripping around the cup
and sitting on the counter
swaying your legs
you realize
that this is happiness
in one of the simplest
and purest forms.

Collaboration

Snow falls gracefully
waltzing with the wind.
And in its midst
stands you and I
Together again,
but not for long.

Maybe if you opened your eyes,
You could see
what's right in front you you
And was always has been
I love you.
Isn't that enough?

You were everything I wanted
But somehow
We just couldn't make it be.

I've kept my eyes open this whole time
In the hopes
That I would finally glimpse
The thing called love.


(I'm not even close to being done but I don't want to drag this on too long, so I'll post them in moderation. This is all you get for now.)

For diamonds to appear to be, just like broken glass to me.

I've been lazing around for the past couple days, so i haven't really been on here. I'm sorry for that, but my new years resolution is to update this more often. One of many actually. Anyway, I'm a bit pressed for time so this one will be short. I just wanted to say Happy New Year world! have a great one. I know I'm a bit late. that's my fault. but anyway, I'm not gonna be on here for a little while, because i got my computer confiscated by my mom. Yes, i know it's sad, but I can promise you that when I'm back I'll have a couple surprises that will make it worth the wait.