She was alone, completely abandoned on her front porch. She took in a drag from her cigarette - nicotine was a welcome crutch in her already ragged life. Closing her eyes, she slowly let out her breath imagining all of the shapes the smoke made as it left her behind. ‘So this is what it’s like to have everything fall apart around you.’ She sighed again and opened her eyes.
“Take a long hard look at yourself; no one even cares about you. When was the last time you left the house? Jesus, you’re pathetic.” The words rang around in her head, repeating themselves, contorting and twisting, writhing like snakes. She couldn’t close her eyes without seeing the scene repeat itself over and over again. For the first time in her life, she realized that she was completely and utterly alone. It wouldn’t ever get any better than it already was, and it definitely couldn’t get any worse. It was almost comical how it seemed that a few spare days ago her life seemed to be getting along alright. Nowhere near perfect, but she was living. She looked down at her cigarette and noticed that the flame was gone. Reaching into her pocket, she desperately tried to relight the stick to no avail. The flame wouldn’t catch hold no matter how many times she flicked the lighter. With a small scream of frustration she slammed the lighter onto the floor next to her and crushed the cigarette in her other hand, the small shards of plastic jutting into her fingers.
“I can’t believe I wasted my time with you. You’re just a lonely pathetic bitch who’s desperate for attention. I wish you could see yourself like everyone else does.” A small sob escaped her mouth and she closed her eyes tight, wishing the pain would go away. This depression always seemed to be clawing at her chest, scratching its way through her heart, imbedding its long nails into her lungs, she couldn’t breathe. She placed her palm over her heart, pushing in, trying to hold it all in. She felt like gagging. She could feel the tears dripping down her face but didn’t bother to raise a hand to stop them. The rain seemed almost perfect; the dark deep sounds of thunder reverberating through her chest.
“Why couldn’t you just stay away? Everyone’s life would’ve been just fine if you didn’t come back into our lives and mess everything up. I was happier without you.” She felt pathetic, the words rang true. Wiping her hand hastily across her cheek, not caring that she was spreading lighter fluid with her fingers, she shakily pushed herself up to her feet and stared off the porch at the rain falling in the night. There was no one left in the house. There was nowhere for her to go, nowhere for her to stay. She had nothing.
“I wish I’d never met you. God, I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been. You’re never going to go anywhere in life. You’re nothing. I hate you.” With a pounding heart she pushed herself off the porch suddenly running, sprinting. She couldn’t stand it anymore, she couldn’t stand herself anymore. She hardly realized that she was sobbing, she didn’t even care that she was wearing a white tee-shirt or that she wasn’t wearing any shoes. She didn’t care that people were watching her. She didn’t even blink when a few boys snickered at her now transparent shirt. She couldn’t feel anything but the pain lashing its way through her chest. Her feet stung and she could hardly see through her tears but she continued to run. Her sobs mingled with gasps as she furiously sprinted throughout the town straight for the pier. People shouted out to her; warning her to stay away from the water, trying to get her to stop running. She felt like she couldn’t stop, she just wanted it all to stop.
“You’re nothing to me. I don’t want you see your face ever again. Get out. You’re dead to me.” Running down the pier, she didn’t even think about what she was doing when she started climbing over the guard rail. She finally stopped running. Looking down at the rocks below, she could feel herself starting to catch her breath. Grasping the rail and leaning forwards, she closed her eyes and breathed in the world around her. She listened to the waves crashing around her, the rain as it poured down, the thunder as it reverberated through her chest. She could hear her sobs as she kept her eyes closed, could feel her clothes plastered to her frame, could feel her hair as it whipped in the wind. Most of all, she could feel the pain, the all-encompassing pain that she just wanted to stop.
Opening her eyes, she took in the world around her one last time and released the rail from her hands, feeling herself start to fall forward when suddenly she was yanked back by her waist. With a gasp, she was pulled over the guard rail and was placed back on the ground, now facing her savior. Her sobs escalated as he pulled his arms around her and hugged her to his chest.
“Look, I know that I don’t know you, but whatever it is, it will go away with time. Life is worth waiting out the bad storms. Life is worth the effort.” She sobbed harder at his words, at how strong his assurance was that life was worth living. She tried to push him away feeling undeserving of his efforts, of his embrace. He had saved her but she didn’t deserve to be saved. He showed affection but she didn’t deserve to be cared for. She deserved to be alone, she deserved pain.
“I feel so alone” She whimpered as she sobbed into his chest, giving up on escaping from his embrace. He hugged her tighter to his chest.
“You’re never alone.”
