If only I had the luxury of retrospect.

It's sad when you realize that the people who you thought were friends are really people placing masks up against their faces masquerading as friends when they're really just using you to pass the time. I guess you only get what you deserve. I'm overeager. I'm too devoted to everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Big deal. I'd rather live with the intentions of living than live using people to pass the time. It just hurts to have your heart ripped out. I've had mine trampled over so many times that it feels tattered, torn. It's broken now, only just barely functioning. I'm tired of all of this bullshit. Why bother using all of that necessary energy to just take in one more breath when all that will come out of it is regret and disappointment? I'm drowning. But that's ok. It'll be alright. Maybe that's all I can ever hope for - being just alright. Maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe that's all I deserve. All I know is that I'm okay with just being alright. Maybe alright is all I can ever hope for, just alright. Maybe I like my life as a mess, maybe I like all of this destruction as everything falls to pieces. I want my life the way it's best: when its falling apart. Happiness is a dream, something I can yearn for, something that is nearly impossible to achieve, something I'll die trying to accomplish.